Please Date Me! Now Go Away! (Handling your first few dates)

If you’re about my age (mid 30’s) and you’re just now getting divorced, you probably don’t know too much about online dating sites except what your single friends have complained about over the last few years. That’s exactly how I felt years back when I first got divorced. Tinder had just been around for a year or so and I had no idea what “swipe right” really meant. I really thought online dating was still considered EHarmony and what your moms 50 year old friend from church went on. Never did I think I’d actually go on a date with an almost 50 year old (47 to be exact) from Match post-divorce and have a good time. (let’s keep an open mind ladies) The thought of dating after divorce can be… the most confusing fucking thing ever! Am I excited? Am I scared? Am I  horny? Am I ready? What am I feeling? Psychologists, coaches, experts, your sister, your best friend, EVERYONE under the sun wants to weigh on whether you’re ready to date or not or if you should date or not right after divorce. The only person that can decide on that is you

I tested the water, one toe in, wearing a dress, going commando, having no clue what I was doing, how I was doing it, where I was doing it or if my vagina even worked at all. I desperately looked for a rebound guy, got rejected, settled for some sex and still wound up stuck trying to process all my feelings. 

Having sex after divorce with another person for some is simple. They’re ready for it. It’s no big deal. For other’s, it’s like losing their virginity all over again. It’s ok to change your mind on this subject every other day too. You know when kids are young and their parents are teaching them how to ride a bike without training wheels and the kids keep saying to the parent “don’t let go, don’t let go” and the parents promise they won’t, but it’s that little white lie knowing that the kid can ride the bike and having the confidence they can do it, so they eventually, let go and the kid is riding the bike doing great and then realizes the parents have let go, but the kid isn’t really that mad because they’ve just learned to do it on their own? Here you are ready to ride that bike again, but you are wanting that security blanket of someone to hold your hand (or the bike). I know you can go out and date. You know you’ll be able to do it without training wheels when you’ve practiced enough and are ready. It’s a lot of practice. Some days you fall off the bike, but you get back on. Sometimes you may have the urge to push someone you’ve been dating casually away because you’re afraid to get close to someone again. You are afraid of rejection. You’re afraid of getting hurt. Well of course you are!! Get back on the bike. Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many dating apps at first. (Please God stay away from Tinder). Stick to two apps max at first. I’d recommend a paid one and a free one. There are good people on the free ones too that can’t afford the paid ones, but just make sure you really sift through the prospects. If you’re looking for good paid apps, I recommend:

  • Match.com Yes I know you’re sick of the theme music on tv. So am I, but the site is actually pretty good. Solid profile options for you to fill out (please be honest on yours and don’t settle for those fundamentals on someone else’s). I went on some great dates on Match. Also some not so good, but overall I had a pretty good experience.
  • The League. You have to apply, but it is actually free. This one is geared more towards business professionals in bigger cities. For someone in there late 20’s early 30’s, I really liked this one living in Los Angeles. I only went on one date, but I like that it is founded by a woman. You also only get 3 matches a day so you can’t get overwhelmed. 
  • DateBritshGuys.com Ok you know I had to put my alma mater. This one the women have to pay and the men don’t. You don’t have to live in England to be on the site. This is an international dating site for any culture to join. It is geared more towards British Men and American Women
  • Zoosk I never was on this site, but it is very popular among younger customers. You can also do it through your facebook account.

Free Apps I recommend

  • Hinge I’ve had a lot of friends have success on hinge. Age group is 20’s/30’s. The set up is to engage in each other’s profile’s in order to connect. You can see up to 10 profiles in one day and then you must wait to see another batch. I think this is good so you are not overwhelmed. Paid option as well. Verified through Facebook 
  • Coffee Meets Bagel Another app that I’ve had a lot of friends have success on. Verified through Facebook as well. Every day at noon you get 21 “bagels” aka matches and you have to act quickly or they will disappear soon after. 
  • Bumble This is a step above Tinder. I’ve had a few Bumble dates. I’m neutral. It’s not amazing, but I wouldn’t say no to it. Take it for face value. Anything is better than Tinder.  

Don’t overwhelm yourself in this new online dating journey. Or if you’re not going to date online, whatever way you’ve decided to date. I’m proud of you taking this next step.

Stay strong,

Lauren Peacock 

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